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England Jokes

England (pronounced ing-ger-lund) is widely regarded by people with a lesser intelligence as The United States’s little bitch puppet. It is the largest exporter of haters of Scotland and pakistan (due to brown friday). After brown friday when pakies raided airbases, stole choppers, and airlifted all of Englands call centers off to India, and as of 2006 the british public have had to learn pakistani if they want tech support with there internets, it didnt take long for the banks to follow suit and now Pakistani is Englands second language with gook following a close third and polish creeping in at fourth. british telecom thought it would be a wise idea to change there name to Bombay telecom. England was created in 1066 by the Satan himself, just after creating Marmite. England is (without question) the greatest country on earth as long as you aren’t fleeing opression or ethnic cleansing in your homeland or happen to be french, some would say its best to have no sense of smell as most corner shops are run by pakies that dont seem to be familiar with normal household products such as Cillit Bang!

England is the only thing that has kept the hatred of the French alive, until the USA picked up the torch in 2003 now in 2007 Canada, Australia, Asia and most of Europe have joined there crusade to mock the french. Hating the French, or “Frog Bashing”, has been an English national pastime since the rout and slaughter of the French nobility at The Battle of Crecy in 1346 and Battle of Agincourt in 1415. England is also commonly believed to be a ficticious fantasy island inhabited by fraggles and gummi bears a few miles off the coast of Newfieland, Canada (aka Hoserland) by some americans that dont own passports. Contrary to popular belief, England was NOT struck by a gigantic Iceberg the white debris had in fact blown down from Scotlands dandruff problem. It remains the most populated floating object in the universe.

The greatest practical joke ever played on the French by the British occurred in 1940. The French fleet was laying at anchor in Mers-el-Kebir, French North Africa (now Algeria) when elements of the Royal Navy Mediterranian Fleet blasted the crap out of them. Oh how DeGaulle and Churchill laughed about that in later years.

A cultural comparison

Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.

Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.

Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.

Brits: Can’t possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.

Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.

Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.

Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of themselves.

Canadians: Believe that that’s the government’s job.

Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.

Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.

Canadians: Can’t agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.

Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.

Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.

Canadians: Don’t, but only because they can’t get more American channels.

Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.

Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.

Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball.

Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.

Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.

Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they play them in.

Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it “English”.

Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it “English”.

Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.

Aussies: Add “G’day”, “mate” and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to be cool.

Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.

Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.

Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.

Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.

Americans: Drink weak, bad-tasting beer.

Canadians: Drink strong, bad-tasting beer.

Brits: Drink warm, bad-tasting beer.

Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.

Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect.

Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.

Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.

Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.

Jump out of the plane

An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says ” We’re having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive”

The four open the door and look out below. The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers “God Save The Queen” and jumps.

The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers “Viva La France” and he also jumps.

This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers “Remember the Alamo” and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.

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Swiss Spaghetti Harvest

April Fools Day Hoax.

On April 1, 1957 the British news show Panorama broadcast a three-minute segment about a bumper spaghetti harvest in southern Switzerland. The success of the crop was attributed both to an unusually mild winter and to the virtual disappearance of the spaghetti weevil. The audience heard Richard Dimbleby, the shows highly respected anchor, discussing the details of the spaghetti crop as they watched video footage of a Swiss family pulling pasta off spaghetti trees and placing it into baskets. The segment concluded with the assurance that, For those who love this dish, theres nothing like real, home-grown spaghetti.