How to be Politically Correct when talking about Men (Or Army Men)

He does not have a beer gut…
He has developed a Liquid Grain Storage Facility.(regular guys)
He has a personal war reserve stock.(army guys)

He is not quiet…
He is a Conversational Minimalist.
He is a SAMS grad.

He is not stupid…
He suffers from Minimal Cranial Development.
He is a field grade.

He does not get lost all the time…
He discovers Alternative Destinations.
He gets temporarily misoriented.

He is not balding…
He is in Follicle Regression.
He has a REALLY squared away high and tight.

He is not a cradle robber…
He prefers Generationally Differential Relationships.
He is breaking the new fraternization policies.

He does not get falling-down drunk…
He becomes Accidentally Horizontal.
He practices his IMTs in the club.

He is not short…
He is Anatomically Compact.
He suffers from a Napoleon Complex.

He does not have a rich daddy…
He is a Recipient of Parental Asset Infusion.
He has the Army as a hobby.

He does not constantly talk about cars…
He has a Vehicular Addiction.
He must be a Transporter.

He does not have a hot body…
He is Physically Combustible.
He is a PT stud.

He is not unsophisticated…
He is Socially Challenged.
He is a Ranger.

He does not eat like a pig…
He suffers from Reverse Bulimia.
He eats like a Ranger student at Pizza Hut.

He is not a bad dancer…
He is Overly Caucasian.
He is from the Muddy Boots Army.

He does not hog the blankets…
He is Thermally Unappreciative.
He is a Blue Falcon.

He is not a male chauvinist pig…
He has Swine Empathy.
He must be combat arms.

He is not afraid of commitment…
He is Monogamously Challenged.
He loves TDY.