A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store.

He does a double take, as he notices that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable. He walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.

The store owner replies, “I’m sorry, but the cat isn’t for sale.”

The collector says, “Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I’ll pay you twenty dollars for that cat.”

And the owner says “Sold,” and hands over the cat.

The collector continues, “Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat’s used to it and it’ll save me having to get a dish.”

And the owner says, “Sorry buddy, but that’s my lucky saucer. So far this week I’ve sold sixty-eight cats.”

A farmer from Texas goes to Australia on vacation. There he meets an Australian farmer and gets talking. The Australian shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, “Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice that size!”

The Australian is annoyed at the Texan but doesn’t say anything. They walk around the farm a little, and the Australian farmer shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately replies, “We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows.”

The conversation has died down when the Texan sees some kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks the Aussie, “What are those?”

The Australian replies with an incredulous look, “Don’t you have any grasshoppers in Texas?”

An American and his Czechoslovakian friend were out walking in the forest. They rounded a corner and right in front of them stood a giant grizzly bear. Before they could make a move, the bear jumped up and ate the European.

The American turned and ran. He pulled out his cell phone and called the local forest ranger. In no time, an experienced ranger was upon the scene, and they headed back to find the man eating bear.

They neared the site where the man was eaten. They came upon two bears, a male and a female. The ranger asked the American which bear ate his friend. The American replied that it was the male, the bigger of the two.

With that, the fearless ranger pulled out his hunting knife, and with one fell swoop, slashed open the belly of the female, and out popped the man’s friend.

“Never trust someone when they say the Czech is in the male.”

A man follows a woman out of a movie theatre. She has a dog on a leash.

He stops her and says, “I’m sorry to bother you, but I couldn’t help but notice that your dog really seemed to be enjoying the movie.

“He cried at the right spots, he moved nervously in his seat at the boring parts, but most of all, he laughed like crazy at the funny parts. Don’t you find it strange?”

“Yes,” she replied, “I found it very strange. He hated the book!”

There were once 3 blondes stranded on a deserted island, and could not think of a way to get off it. One of them tripped over what happened to be a magic lamp. Dusting it off, the genie came out.

“I will grant you each a wish,” he said.

“Why not,” thought the blondes. “It’s worth a try.”

“I want to be the world’s best swimmer,” one said, “so I can swim off of the island”. She then jumped in to the ocean and swam away.

“I want to be a bird,” one said, and flew away immediately.

The third and last blonde thought for a while. “I want to be a man.”

She was instantly transformed into a man, and she walked over the bridge to the mainland.