when the cops see her on a street corner they yell, “Hey you guys, break it up!”

when she step on the Weight Scales it says…’to be continued’…

she once went on a seafood diet…whenever she saw food she ate it!

folk exercise by jogging around her!

when she bends over, we enter Daylight Saving Time.

she sat on a Nintendo Gamecube and it turned into a gameboy

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that your family ate Cornflakes with a fork to save milk.

they put her photo on food stamps.

when I visited her trailer, 2 cockroaches tripped me and a Rat tried to steal me wallet.

she waves an ice lolly around and calls it Air conditioning.

burglars break into her home and leave money.

when I told her about the last supper she thought the food stamps had run out.

the building society repossed her cardboard box.

she watches television on an Etch-A-Sketch.

each night she goes to KFC to lick other folk’s fingers

she can’t even afford to go to the free clinic.

when I saw her kickin a can down the road I asked her what she was doing….’Moving’ she replied.

I caught her trying to use food stamps in the Gobstopper machine.

when I rang her doorbell, SHE said ‘Ding-Dong’

I asked her where the ‘facilities were’ and she replied – “Pick a corner…ANY corner…”

I visited her house, tore down the cob webs and she screamed – “Who’s tearing down the drapes!!!!”

I walked into her home, asked if I could use her toilet, and she said “Sure thing, it’s 4th tree on your right…”

only time she smelled Hot Food was when a rich bloke farted…

when I saw her wobbling down the street with 1 shoe, I hollered – “Lost a shoe?”, and she said – “Nope…just found one…”

she hangs the Toilet paper out to dry.

closest thing to a car she owns is a low-riding Shopping trolley….with a box on it…

she had to take out a second mortgage on her cardboard box.

I went into her ‘living room’, stepped on a Fag butt and she shouted – “Oi, who turned off the heater!”

I once threw a stone at a garbage can, and out she popped saying – “Who knocked???”

I went through her front door and tripped over the back fence.

she does drive by shootings on the school bus.

when she asked me over to dinner I took a paper plate from the kitchen and she groule – “Don’t use the good china”

Here is a list of 25 things that cat-lovers know, but won’t admit.

- An aquarium is just interactive television for cats.

- Anything on the ground is a cat toy. Anything not there yet, will be.

- Dogs do what you tell them to do. Cats take a message and get back to you.

- Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it for ever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.

- A cat’s motto is no matter what you’ve done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.

- A cat bites the hand that won’t feed it fast enough.

- Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.

- Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.

- Cats aren’t clean, they’re just covered with cat spit.

- Cats don’t hunt seals. They would if they knew what they were and where to find them. But they don’t, so that’s all right.

- Cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.

- Cats know what we feel. They don’t care, but they know.

- Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want.

- Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

- Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.

- I had to get rid of my wife. The cat was allergic.

- I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior.

- In a cat’s eye, all things belong to cats.

- On the Internet, nobody knows you’re a cat.

- One cat just leads to another.

- People that hate cats will come back as mice in their next life.

- Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. It’s all true, and they have many other fine qualities as well.

- There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats.

- When I wash the cat, it takes me hours to get the hair off my tongue.

- You can always tell a cat, but you can’t tell him much.

An old snake goes to see his doctor.

He says, “Doctor, I need something for my eyes. I can’t see well these days”. The doctor fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.

The snake comes back in 2 weeks, and tells the doctor he’s very depressed.

The doctor says, “What’s the problem? Didn’t the glasses help you?”

“The glasses are fine doc. I just discovered I’ve been living with a water hose the past 2 years!”

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.

The first said, “I built a big house for our Mother.” The second said, “I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.” The third smiled and said, “I’ve got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can’t see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He’s one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it.”

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: “Milton,” she wrote one son, “the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.”

“Gerald,” she wrote to another, “I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn’t what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!”

“Dearest Donald,” she wrote to her third son, “you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!”