Bridegroom: How much for the room? Hotel Clerk: Twenty dollars apiece. Bridegroom: Okay. Here’s $140.

A redneck named Clyde died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue needed someone to identify the body, so his two best friends, Clem and Zeke, were sent for.

Clem went in first, and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Clem said, Yup, he’s burnt real bad; but you’ll have to roll him over if you want me to identify him.”

So the mortician rolled the corpse over and Clem looked and said, “Nope, it ain’t Clyde.”

The mortician thought that was rather strange, but proceeded to bring in Zeke to identify the body. After the sheet was pulled back, Zeke took a look and said, “Yup, he’s burnt real bad; roll him over.”
So, again the mortician rolled the burnt corpse over, and Zeke looked down and said, “Nope, it ain’t Clyde.”

Frustrated, the mortician asked, “How can you tell?”

Zeke answered, “Well, Clyde had two assholes.”
“What!?” The disbelieving mortician asked, “He had TWO assholes?”

“Yup, that’s right, everybody knew Clyde had two assholes.

Ever time we went to town, folks would say…
‘Here comes that thar Clyde with them two assholes!’

The friends of the bride decided to give the newlyweds a tape recording of the couple making love on their honeymoon night as a gag wedding gift. They accomplished this by hiding a tape recording under the newlywed’s bed that evening.

Before they gave the recorded tape to her, they played the tape and heard her moaning to her new husband, “That’s happiness! That’s happiness!” But her voice sounded funny and they discovered that they were playing the tape at the wrong speed.

When they slowed the tape down to the correct pitch, they were surprised to hear her shouting at him, “That’s a penis?! That’s a penis?!”

A man and woman the morning after their honeymoon night were discussing the previous evenings’ events. The woman says, “You are a terrible lover!”

The man replies, “How can you tell after only 30 seconds?!”

36 things you’ll never hear from a Redneck…

1. “I’ll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex”
2. “Duct tape won’t fix that.”

3. “Come to think of it, I’ll have a Heineken.”
4. “We don’t keep firearms in this house.”
5. “You can’t feed that to the dog.”

6. “I thought Graceland was tacky.”
7. “No kids in the back of the pick-up…it’s not safe.”
8. “Professional wresslin’s fake.”

9. “Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?”
10. “We’re vegetarians.”
11. “Do you think my hair is too big?”

12. “I’ll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.”
13. “Honey, these bonsai trees need watering.”
14. “I don’t understand the appeal of NASCAR.”

15. “Give me the small bag of pork rinds.”
16. “Deer heads detract from the decor.”
17. “Spitting is such a nasty habit.”

18. “I just couldn’t find a thing at Wal-Mart today.”
19. “Trim the fat off that steak.”
20. “Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.”

21. “The tires on that truck are too big.”
22. “I’ll have the arugula and radicchio salad.”
23. “I’ve got it all on a floppy disk.”

24. “Unsweetened tea tastes better.”
25. “Would you like your fish poached or broiled?”
26. “My fiance is registered at Tiffany’s.”

27. “I’ve got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.”
28. “She’s too old to be wearing that bikini.”
29. “Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?”

30. “Hey, here’s an episode of “Hee Haw” that we haven’t seen.”
31. “I don’t have a favorite college football team.”
32. “Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.”

33. “I believe you cooked those green beans too long.”
34. “Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.”
35. “Elvis who?”

36. “Checkmate”