You just might be a Redneck if:

You’ve ever tried to drown a fish. You can yell to your mom, “Hey, Aunt Betty!” Your kids fight with the dogs for their dinner. You’ve ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature. More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years. Your mother has been involved in a fist-fight at a high school sports event. None of your shirts cover your stomach. You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment. You’ve ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys. You’ve ever bathed with flea and tick soap. Your family tree does not fork. Your baby’s first words are “Attention K-Mart shoppers.” You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window. The fifth grade is referred to as ” your senior year.” Three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them. Your gene pool doesn’t have a “deep end.” You have the taxidermist’s number on speed-dial. Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain. The UFO hotline limits you to one call per day. Your two-year-old has more teeth than you do. You have ever been accused of lying through your tooth. Your underwear doubles as your bathing suit. You let you kid pee in the parking lot at K-Mart.

Two young couples marry the same day and, being all friends, leave together for their honeymoon to stay at the same hotel in Venice, door to door.

The next morning, the two brand new husbands step out on their balconies to have a breath of fresh air.

“So? How did it go last night? C’mon, tell me! How’s your wife?” “Uhh, fine I guess, she’s lying on the bed smoking.” “Jesus! My wife just got a bit sore…”

The Origin of Chapstick

The old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the Cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff.

“Howdy, stranger…”

“Howdy, Sheriff…”

The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss were the sun don’t shine. He dropped the horse’s tail, stepped up on the walk, and aimed towards the swinging doors of the saloon.

“Hold on, Mister…”

“Sheriff?”

“Did I just see what I think I just saw?”

“Reckon you did, Sheriff…I got me some powerful chapped lips…”

“And that cures them?” “Nope, but it keeps me from lickin’ em!

On the wedding night of the newly wedded royal couple, they wanted to make sure everything was done according to proper etiquette. So she begins and says, “Sir, I offer you my honor.”

He replies, “I honor your offer.”

And that’s how it goes all night. Honor, offer. Honor, offer. Honor, offer.

After years of his wife’s pleading, this good ol boy finally goes with her to her little local Church on Sunday morning. He was so moved by the Preacher’s sermon that on the way out he stopped to shake his hand.

He said, “Reverend, that was the best gawd damn sermon I ever did hear!”

The Preacher replied, “Oh!! Why, thank you sir, but please…I’d appreciate it if you didn’t use the Lord’s name in vain!”

The man said, “I’m sorry Reverend, but I can’t help myself, it was a good gawddamn sermon!”

The Reverend said, “Sir, PLEASE, I cannot have you behaving this way at Church”!

The man said, “Okay Reverend, but I just wanted you to know that I thought it was so gawddamn good, I put $500.00 in the collection plate!”

And the Reverend said, “NO SHIT?!”