These two hunters went moose hunting every year without success.
Finally they came up with a foolproof plan. (emphasis on fool)

They got themselves a very authentic cow moose costume and learned the
mating call of a cow moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure in the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull.

So, they set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, in their costume, and began to give the moose love call. Before too long their call was answered by bull in the forest.

They called again, the bull answered closer to them. They called again, The bull answered, and came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. As the bulls’ pounding hoof beats got closer the guy in front said, “OK, lets get out and get him”!

After a moment, that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouts -
“THE ZIPPER IS STUCK, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO!?!”

The front guy says, “Well, I’m gonna start nibbling grass,
but you better start to “brace yourself!”

Two friends, Fred and Harry were golfing one fine day.

Toward the end of the golf course, Fred had hit his ball into the woods.

Harry, laughed and poked fun, but then somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods, just a few yards beyond where Fred has hit his.

Fred looked for a long time, getting angrier every minute.
Finally, in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups, he found his ball.

Instead of just continuing the game, he took his club and thrashed every single buttercup in that patch smashing the weeds to pieces.

All of a sudden, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.
She said, “I’m Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?!

Just for that, you won’t have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life… better still; you won’t have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life….. as a matter of fact, you won’t have any butter for anything the rest of your life!”
Then POOF!…she was gone.

After Fred got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend,
“Harry!….Harry!…where are you?”

Harry yells, “I hit my ball in these damn pussywillows!”

Fred screams back…..”DON’T SWING! FOR GOD’S SAKE, DON’T SWING!

Sven and Olie died and went to Hell. After awhile, the Devil came by to see how his new guests were doing. To his amazement, he found Sven and Olie were still wearing their winter gear and seemed to be quite comfortable. The Devil asked why they weren’t hot.

Olie replied, “We come from Minnesota where it’s always cold. This is feeling pretty good to us.” This upset the Devil, so he turned up the thermostat. Awhile later the Devil looked in again on Sven and Olie. To his surprise he found they were still wearing their winter gear. The Devil questioned them on it again. “You have to remember that we are from Minnesota and it’s very, very cold there. This is feeling nice to us.”

The Devil was even madder at this, so he turned the thermostat all the way up to maximum temperature. The Devil waited some time and then went back to Sven and Olie. This time he found they had only unzipped their coats, but still had all their winter clothes on. The Devil couldn’t understand what was going on. The punishment down here was supposed to be the unbearable heat. It wasn’t working on these two. He had to ask again what the deal was. Sven replied, “We are Minnesotans and we just got over a freezing winter. This is really great for Olie and Me.

A light flickered in the Devil’s mind. He went to the thermostat and turned it off. He thought if the heat wasn’t a punishment, maybe he’d give them some freezing temperatures. A little while later the Devil came back to check in on Sven and Olie only to find them cheering and giving each other high fives, happier than ever! The Devil questioned them on their actions and Sven said happily, “Back home they always said, the Vikings will win the Super Bowl when Hell freezes over!!!”

A lady had a height problem – she was TOO tall, being excatly 2 meters tall. She hated the way she had to duck to walk through a doorway, the way she felt so uncomfortable in a car… So she visited an expert. The expert said:

“Go visit the Dwarven Town. It’s full of dwarfs. Find any dwarf, and ask him if he’ll marry you. Every time a dwarf says ‘no,’ you grow 10 cm shorter!”

The lady did as she was told. She went to the Dwarven Town, and found a dwarf, and asked if he would marry her. He refused. She found herself 10 cm shorter. She quickly repeated this act another time on another dwarf. Now 180 cm tall, she decided to ask one more dwarf then go home. She boldly walked up to a dwarf and asked if he would marry her. The dwarf replied:

“No, no, no, no, no…! I don’t want to marry a tall person like you!
You’re too tall! No, no, no, no, no!”

What do snowmen have that snowwomen don’t?

Snowballs!