A feeble old man is in his doctor’s office having a check-up. The doctor finishes the check-up says to the man, “So, you seem in fine health. Any problems?”

“Yes, Doc,” the old man slowly responded. “My sex drive is too high and I need it lowered.”

This took the doctor quite by surprise. “You’re 84 years old, and you’re in fine health for a man of your age, and I know men half your age who would kill for a problem like that. So, why are you complaining?

“Well,” the old man said, “I see all these sexy nurses at the home, and when I go for a walk, I see all these cute honeys all around, so that’s why I’m here, Doc. I want my sex drive lowered.”

Still confused, the doctor said, “I would think that at your age, you wouldn’t complain about a high sex drive.”

“Doc,” the old man said, “You don’t understand. I need my sex drive lowered from here,” pointing to his head, “to here,” pointing to between his legs.

When I die I want to go peacefully — like my grandfather did — In his
sleep.

Not screaming like the passengers in his car.

There was an elderly couple that was on their way for a 2 week vacation on a carribean cruise. The wife, unfortunately, forgot her hearing aides at home…

Upon arriving to the cabin that was to be theirs during the trip, they noticed that it had 2 bunk beds. So, as they were retiring for the first nite, the husband says to his wife, “Up, or down?”. The wife inexplicably removes all her clothing and makes love to her husband all nite long.

The next nite, the husband wonders if he’ll get lucky again… So, he says to his wife, “Up, or down?” She again removes all her clothing and makes love to him all nite long.

This continues for 2 glorious weeks.

When they arrive home from their trip, the wife retrieves her hearing aides. As they retire for the first nite home, the husband decides to try the magic words again… “Up, or down?” His wife says, “What?”. To which he replies, “During the whole trip, my dear, I said those words every nite and you took off all your clothes and made love to me all nite long.” The wife says, “Ooooh, I thought you said ‘Fuck, or drown !”.

A guy goes to visit his grandmother and he brings his friends with him.

While he’s talking to his grandmother, his friend starts eating the peanuts on the coffee table, and finishes them off.

As they’re leaving, his friend says to his grandmother, “Thanks for the peanuts.”

She says, “Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off ‘em.”

A little old lady walked into the head branch of the Chase Manhattan
Bank holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man
at the window that she wished to take the 3 million she had in the
bag and open an account with the bank. She said that first, though,
she wished to meet the president of Chase Manhattan Bank due to the
amount of money involved.

The teller seemed to think that was a reasonable request and after
opening the paper bag and seeing the bundles of 1,000 bills which
amounted to right around 3 million, telephoned the bank’s secretary
to obtain an appointment for the lady.

The lady was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president’s
office. Introductions were made and she stated that she would like
to get to know the people she did business with on a more personal
level. The bank president then asked her where she came into such a
large amount of money. “Was it an inheritance?” he asked. “No.” she
answered. “Was it from playing the stock market?” “No.” she
replied.

He was quiet for a minute, trying to think of where this little old
lady could possibly come into 3 million. “I bet.” she stated. “You
bet?” repeated the bank president. “As in horses?” “No.” she
replied, “I bet people.”

Seeing his confusion, she explained that she justs bets on different
things with different people. All of a sudden she said, “I’ll bet
you $25,
000.00 that by 10:00 o’clock tomorrow morning, your balls will be
square.”

The bank president figured she must be off her rocker and decided to
take her up on the bet. He didn’t see how he could lose. For the
rest of the day, the bank president was very careful. He decided to
stay home that evening and take no chances; there was $25,
000.00 at stake.

When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to
make sure everything was okay. There was no difference- he looked
the same as he always had. He went to work and waited for the
little old lady to come in at 10:00 o’clock, humming as he went. He
knew this would be a good day- how often do you get handed $25,
000.00 for doing nothing. At 10:00 o’clock sharp the little old
lady was shown into his office. With her was a younger man. When he
inquired as to the man’s purpose for being there, she informed him
that he was her lawyer and she always took him along when there was
this much money involved.

“Well,” she asked, “what about our bet?” “I don’t know how to tell
you this,” he replied, “but I am the same as I’ve always been only
$25,
000.00 richer.” The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that
she be able to see for herself. The bank president thought this was
reasonable and dropped his trousers. She instructed him to bend over
and then grabbed a hold of him. Sure enough, everything was fine.
The bank president then looked up and saw her lawyer standing across
the room banging his head against the wall.

“What’ wrong with him?” he inquired. “Oh him,” she replied, “I bet
him $100,
000.00 that by 10:00 o’clock this morning that I’d have the
president of Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls.”