A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves when the little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole.
He says, “Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.”

The grandfather smiles. “I’ll bet you five dollars you can’t.
It’s too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole.”

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he stuffs the worm back into the hole.

The grandfather, impressed with his grandson’s ingenuity, hands him five dollars … then grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.

Thirty minutes later, the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars.

The little boy says, “Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars?”
The grandfather replies, “Yes, I know. But that’s from your grandma!”

A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick. So, she proceeded to find herself a rich 73 year old man, planning to screw him to death on their wedding night.

The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference. On the first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed. When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of noseplugs.

Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked,
“What are those for?”

The elderly gentleman replied, “There are just two things I can’t stand…
“the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber!”

There were three elderly men sitting in wheelchairs on the porch one sunny afternoon. They were ten years apart in ages.
One was 60, another 70 and the last 80 years old.

The 60 yo, started complaining. He said “I wish I could just piss all at once and not dribble, dribble, dribble all day and night.”

The 70 year old then said, “I don’t have that problem. I just wish I could take one good dump and not ooze, ooze, oooze all day and night.

The 80 year old started laughing at the other two. He said, “I don’t have any of those problems!” “At 7:00 a.m. I take a good piss, at 9:00 a.m. I take a good shit.

“My only problem is that…I don’t wake up until noon!”

A remedy for the common cold suggested by Dr. Richard Gordon, from the “Atlantic Monthly”:

At the first sign of a cold, go to bed with a bottle of whiskey and a hat. Place the hat on the left-hand bedpost. Take a drink of whiskey and move the hat to the right-hand bedpost. Take another drink and shift the hat back again. Continue this until you drink the whiskey but fail to move the hat.

By then, the cold is probably cured.

Two elderlies are rocking on the porch at the home. “Bet you can’t guess how old I am,” he says. “Bet I can,” she says. “Bet you fifty dollars you can’t tell me how old I am,” he says. “You’re on,” she says.

“Stand up.” He stands up. She looks him up and she looks him down. “Now turn around,” she says. She looks him up and she looks him down. “Now, turn back around . . . and drop your pants,” she says.

He drops his pants and she looks him up . . . and she looks him down . . . “you’re 86,” she says. He’s dumbounded. “By golly, woman, you’re right. I am 86. How’d you know?” She rocks and smiles.

“You told me yesterday!”