There is this guy who really takes care of his body. He lifts weights and jogs six miles every day.

One morning he looks into the mirror and admires his body and notices that he is suntanned all over with the one exception of his penis, which he readily decides to do something about.

He goes to the beach, completely undresses and buries himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he leaves sticking out.

Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, she begins to move it around with the cane. Remarking to the other little old lady, she says, “There is really no justice in the world.”

The other little old lady says, “What do you mean by that?”

The first little old lady says, “Look at that – When I was 20 – I was curious about it. When I was 30 – I enjoyed it. When I was 40 – I asked for it. When I was 50 – I paid for it. When I was 60 – I prayed for it. When I was 70 – I forgot about it. Now that I’m 80, the damn things are growing wild, and I’m too old to squat!”

An old lady was knitting as she was driving down the highway. A police officer drove alongside her car and yelled, “Pull over!”

The lady yelled back, “No – mittens!”

Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

Insanity is my only means of relaxation.

Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.

You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

Perhaps you know why women over fifty don’t have babies: They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

Every time I think about exercise, I lie down til the thought goes away.

God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.

It’s frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

If you can remain calm, you just don’t have all the facts.

Stress reducer: Put a bag on your head. Mark it “Closed for remodeling.” **caution – leave air holes.

I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.

There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 2005 Bugatti Veyron 16.4. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it sets him back $1.24M. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, “What kind of car ya’ got there, sonny?”

The young man replies “A 2005 Bugatti Veyron 16.4. It cost $1.24M.

“That’s a lot of money” says the old man, shocked. “Why does it cost so much?

“Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!” states the cool dude proudly.

The moped driver asks, “Can I take a look inside? “Sure,” replies the owner.

So, the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says “That’s a pretty nice car, all right!”

Just then, the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320 MPH.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoossh! Something whips by him, going much faster!

“What on earth could be going faster than my 16.4?” the young man asks himself.

Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! “Couldn’t be,” thinks the guy. “How could a moped outrun a Bugatti?”

Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh Ka-BbblaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and good grief, it is the old man!!! Of course the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the dying old man and says, “You’re hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?”

The old man groans and replies “Yes. Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!”

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on
280. Please be careful!”

“Hell,” said Herman, “It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them!”