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Top 100 funniest one-liners




21 My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

22 I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian

23 If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.

24 I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

25 If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

26 Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

27 If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea… does that mean that one enjoys it?

28 Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

29 How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

30 Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

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23 Responses to “Top 100 funniest one-liners”

  1. October 22nd, 2009 at 1:54 pm #Bonny

    ha funny

  2. January 13th, 2010 at 10:49 pm #balls

    does anyone know who wrote any of these?

  3. January 15th, 2010 at 5:31 pm #anonymous

    Almost all of these are actually 2-liners.

  4. January 16th, 2010 at 4:48 pm #Kay

    funny stuff

  5. January 21st, 2010 at 5:32 pm #Jay T

    Couple from Tommy Cooper in there.

    Very good stuff!

  6. January 21st, 2010 at 11:29 pm #Robbo

    Love it

  7. January 25th, 2010 at 12:52 am #larry

    haha, “never, under any circumstance, take a sleeping pill and a laxative in the same night”

  8. January 29th, 2010 at 3:29 pm #Linkside Seats: 19 of this Week’s Best Links

    [...] Zhang: Top 100 Funniest One Liners on the Internet Because who doesn’t enjoy a good one [...]

  9. February 7th, 2010 at 2:54 am #100 Funny One-Liners

    [...] [via Encyclopedia of Humor] [...]

  10. February 18th, 2010 at 2:04 pm #John

    Hhahahahahhahahah I Loved It Guysssss

  11. February 25th, 2010 at 1:44 am #Opego

    hey, correct me if i’m wrong. but is this not the words of George Carlin? I’m not sure about everything, but most of it.
    Enjoyed the list though, Thx.

  12. April 4th, 2010 at 8:45 pm #Anon

    At least a few are from the Marx brothers’ skits. Some are from standup comedy. The one I’m most interested in is this: “Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.”

  13. April 19th, 2010 at 11:40 pm #Hermitbiker

    …. great one-liners…. pretty cool site !! :)

  14. April 28th, 2010 at 9:07 am #Benjamin Koshkin

    Pretty interesting one liners.

    Benjamin Koshkin

  15. May 19th, 2010 at 6:41 pm #Ramy

    Most are from George Carlin, too bad the world lost such a genius…

  16. May 19th, 2010 at 10:13 pm #Screw Driver

    Can’t anything be a one liner if word wrap is off?

  17. May 20th, 2010 at 1:01 am #Perri

    Taken from http://www.onelinerz.net/top-100-funny-one-liners/ it seems. Would’ve been nice to see a credit to that site…

  18. May 21st, 2010 at 12:57 pm #tyler

    pretty sure there are quite a few mitch hedberg quotes and some from mark lowry

  19. May 28th, 2010 at 7:07 pm #Liz

    Credits for these would have been nice.

  20. June 9th, 2010 at 7:57 pm #reason

    28 is just sadistic…

  21. June 12th, 2010 at 12:50 pm #MeatStick

    #77 is from South Park…Mr. Garrison referring to a vagina.

  22. September 9th, 2010 at 5:16 pm #Jon doe

    Some where by Msrk Twain

  23. September 9th, 2010 at 6:06 pm #Watson

    These are pretty much stolen from comedians and reworded without giving them credit, most of them are in “The Comedy Thesaurus” by Judy Brown

    http://www.amazon.com/Comedy-Thesaurus-Judy-Brown/dp/1594740585

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