Q. How many Frenchmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A. One, because he holds the bulb and all of Europe revolves around him

Q: How do you confuse a French Soldier?
A: Give him a rifle and ask him to shoot it.

Q: What’s the motto of the US Marine Corps?
A: Semper Fi (Always Faithful)
Q: What’s the motto of the French Army?
A: Stop, drop, and run!

Q. Why don’t Master Card and Visa work well in France? A. They do not know how to say “CHARGE!”

Q: What do women who are snipers in the French military use as camouflage?
A: Their armpits.

Q: What’s the difference between a Frenchman and a bucket of crap?
A: The bucket

The recent tremors felt throughout France have been attributed to the fifty six thousand+ WWI & WWII U.S. soldiers spinning in their graves.

Q: Why do the French people seem so hell bent on kissing Jacques Chirac’s ass?
A: Because the French, in general are less sensitive to bad smells and certainly more tolerant of bitter flavors!!
(more…)

Getting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

*

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor’s degree and the woman gets her master’s.

*

Marriage Seminar

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.” He addressed the man, “Can you describe your wife’s favorite flower?” Tom leaned over, touched his wife’s arm gently and whispered, “It’s Pillsbury, isn’t it, honey?”

The rest of the story gets rather ugly so I’ll stop right here.

*

Wife vs. Husband!

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, “Relatives of yours?”

“Yep,” the wife replied, “in-laws.”

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, “Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?” The other replied, “Yes I am, I married the wrong man.”

*
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished.

*

Cigarettes and Tampons

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, “Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, “You see, it’s like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; ’cause it’s sooooooooooo much cheaper.

So, I figure if I have to roll my own . . . so does she ”

*

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use each day . . . 30,000 to a man’s 15,000. The wife replied, “The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men . ..” The husband then turned to his wife and asked, “What?”

*

A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” And the father replied, “I don’t know, son, I’m still paying for it.”

*

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in most countries, son.

*
Then there was a man who said, “I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.
*

A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes.
*

It doesn’t matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
*

Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

*
When a newly married man looks happy we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy – we wonder why.
*

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.” And the husband replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice it.”

*

A woman was telling her friend , “It is I who made my husband a millionaire.” “And what was he before you married him.” Asked the friend. The woman replied, ” A multi-millionaire”.

*
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
*

A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: “Wife wanted”. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”

*
A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.

*

Married Buddies

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the Other and says, “You know, I don’t know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!”

His buddy looks at him and says, ” Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife’s butt and say, ‘How about a blow job?’ …. and she’s always sound asleep.

1) Three women – a German, a Jew and a polack – all gave birth to seven pound baby boys at the same time. The nurses got the babies mixed up somehow and couldn’t tell which baby belonged to which mother.
After an hour of mass confusion the father of the German baby decided he would settle the problem. He walked into the nursery and lined up the three infants in a row. He then clicked his heels, raised his arm in a salute and shouted, “Heil Hitler!” (more…)

And as the reindeer say before they tell you jokes ….
These jokes will sleigh you!

Did Rudolph go to a regular school?
No, he was “elf”-taught!

‘Father Christmas has two reindeer. He calls one Edward and the other one Edward! I bet you can’t tell me why he does that!’
‘Oh, yes I can.’ the elf said.
‘Because tow ‘Eds are better than one, of course!’

How can Santa’s sleigh possibly fly through the air?
You would too if you were pulled by flying reindeer!

How do you make a slow reindeer fast ?
Don’t feed it !

How do you get into Donner’s house?
You ring the “deer”-bell!

How does Rudolph know when Christmas is coming?
He looks at his calen-”deer”!

How long should a reindeer’s legs be ?
Just long enough to reach the ground !

How would you get four reindeer in a car?
Two in the front and two in the back!

And how do you get four polar bears in a car?
Take the reindeer out first

I’m so strong I could lift a reindeer with one hand.
Yeah, but where are we going to find a one-handed reindeer?

Keep that reindeer out of the house! It’s full of fleas!
You’d better stay out of the house, Rudolph – it’s full of fleas.

Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer’s gone missing again, put a ‘Missing’ advert in the local paper!
Don’t be daft. Reindeer can’t read!

What do reindeer have that no other animals have ?
Baby reindeer !

What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees?
“Horn”-aments!

What do you call the reindeer with cotton wool in his ears?
Call him anything you like – he won’t hear you!

What do you call the reindeer with one eye higher than the other?
Isaiah!

What do you give a reindeer with an upset tummy?
“Elk”-a-seltzer!

What does Father Christmas call that reindeer with no eyes?
No-eyed-deer!

What does Father Christmas call that three-legged reindeer?
Eileen.

What does Father Christmas the reindeer with only one eye that’s got no legs?
Still no-eye-deer.

What does Rudolph want for Christmas?
A pony sleigh station!

What game do reindeer play in their stalls?
Stable-tennis!

What has antlers and loves cheese?
Mickey Moose!

What has antlers, pulls Father Christmas’ sleigh and is made of cement?
I don’t know.
A reindeer!

Where do you find reindeer ?
It depends on where you leave them !

Which of Santa’s reindeer has bad manners?
“Rude”-olph!

Which reindeer have the shortest legs ?
The smallest ones !

Why are Father Christmas’ reindeer like a cricket match?
Because they’re both stopped by the rein.

Why did the reindeer wear black boots ?
Because his brown ones were all muddy !

Why did the reindeer wear sunglasses at the beach ?
Because he didn’t want to be recognised !

Why do reindeer wear fur coats ?
Because they would look silly in plastic macs !

Why do reindeer wear fur coats?
Because they look silly in snowsuits!

Why does Scrooge love all of the reindeer?
Because every buck is dear to him!

What reindeer can jump higher than a house?
They all can! Houses can’t jump!

What would a reindeer do if it lost its tail?
She’d go to a “re-tail” shop for a new one!

What’s red and green and guides Santa’s sleigh?
Rudolph the red-nosed pickle!

What’s the difference between a reindeer and a snowball?
They’re both brown, except the snowball.

What’s the name of the reindeer with three humps on its back?
Humphrey

And that black and blue reindeer?
Bruce.

Where do the reindeer like to stop for lunch?
“Deery” Queen!

Why does Santa always go down the chimney?
Because it soots him!
(that’s one of Santa’s favourite jokes! *HO! Ho! ho!*)

Where does Santa stay when he’s on holidays?
At a Ho-ho-tel!

What does Mrs. Claus sing to Santy on his birthday?
“Freeze a jolly good fellow!”

What does Santa put on his toast?
“Jingle Jam”

What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a duck?
A Christmas Quacker!

An honest politician, a kind lawyer and Santa Claus were walking down the street and saw a $20 bill.  Which one picked it up??
Santa!  The other two don’t exist!

What do you do if Santa Claus gets stuck in your chimney?
Pour Santa flush on him!

What does Santa say to the toys on Christmas Eve?
Okay everyone, sack time!

What do the elves call it when Santa claps his hands at the end of a play?
Santapplause!

Why does Santa like to work in his garden?
Because he likes to hoe, hoe, hoe!

What do you call a kitty on the beach on Christmas morning?
Sandy Claws!

Who delivers presents to dentist offices?
Santa Jaws!

Who delivers Christmas presents to elephants?
Elephanta Claus!

What do you get if Santa comes down the chimney while the fire is still burning?
Crisp Kringle!

Why does St. Nicholas have a white beard?
So he can hide at the North Pole!

What do you call Santa when he has no money?
Saint “Nickel”-less!

What smells most in a chimney?
Santa’s nose!

What does Kris Kringle like to get when he goes to the donut shop?
A jolly roll!

What do you call someone who doesn’t believe in Father Christmas?
A rebel without a Claus!

What is invisible but smells like milk and cookies?
Kris Kringle burps!

What did Santa get when he crossed a woodpecker with kleenex?
Rapping paper!

What does Santa like to have for breakfast?
Mistle-”toast”!

Why does Santa take presents to children around the world?
Because the presents won’t take themselves!

What does Santa use when he goes fishing?
His north pole!

How do we know Santa is such a good race car driver?
Because he’s always in the pole position!

What is twenty feet tall, has sharp teeth and goes Ho Ho Ho?
Tyranno-santa Rex!

What’s red & white and red & white and red & white?
Santa rolling down a hill!

What did Santa say to Mrs. Claus when he looked out the window?
Looks like “rain”, “Dear”!

What’s red and green and flies?
An airsick Santa Claus!

How does Santa take pictures?
With his North “Pole”-aroid!

Why does Santa’s sleigh get such good mileage?
Because it has long-distance runners on each side!

What goes Ho, Ho, Swoosh! Ho, Ho, Swoosh?
Santa caught in a revolving door!

What kind of motorcycle does Santy ride?
A “Holly” Davidson!

Where does Father Christmas go to vote?
The North Poll!

What’s red and white and falls down the chimney?
Santa Klutz!

What do you call Saint Nick after he has come down the chimney?
Cinder Claus!

What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish!

Why does Santa owe everything to the elves?
Because he is an elf-made man!

What goes oh, oh, oh?
Santa Claus walking backwards!

How many chimneys does Saint Nick go down?
Stacks!

What does Santa get if he gets stuck in a chimney?
Claustrophobic!

What would you call Father Christmas if he became a detective?
Santa Clues!

Who delivers Christmas presents to pets?
Why, Santa Paws of course!

As a little girl climbed onto Santa’s lap, Santa asked the
usual, “And what would you like for Christmas?”

The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a
minute, then gasped: “Didn’t you get my E-mail?”

What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish.

Why does Santa have a garden?
So he can HO!HO!HO!

What does Santa Claus do in his garden?
Hoe, hoe, hoe!

My stockings were hanging by the chimney with care,
I’d been wearing them for months and they needed the air.

Did you hear about the family who owned an English pointer
and an Irish setter?
The dogs get together at Christmas time and have pointsetters.

If an athlete gets athlete’s foot, what does an astronaut get??
Missile toe!

What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Snowflakes.

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Claustrophobic.

What did Santa Claus to all the toys on Christmas Eve?
“Okay everybody! Time to hit the sack!”

Why does Scrooge love all of Santa’s reindeer?
Because every buck is dear to him.

Did Adam celebrate Christmas in the garden of Eden?
Sure, haven’t you ever heard of Christmas Eve?

Where do elves go to vote?
The North Poll.

Why did the elf put his bed into the fireplace?
He wanted to sleep like a log.

Who likes to drink reindeer milk every morning for breakfast?
A baby reindeer.

If the day before Christmas is called Christmas Eve, what is
the day after Christmas called?
December 26th.

What do they call Santa’s helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

Why does Santa Claus put coal in the stockings of bad little
boys and girls?
Because heating oil would leak out the bottom.

What is a big as Santa but weighs less than a feather?
Santa’s shadow.

Why won’t Santa eat Twinkies?
He would rather eat Ho-Hos.

What comes at the end of Christmas Day?
The letter “Y”.

What happens when a Irish Setter and a Pointer kiss under
the mistletoe?
You get a Pointsetter.

What is red and white and black all over?
Santa Claus covered in ashes.